she’s come undone.

Confession, I am not good at hiding things.

I am not one of those people that can front everything is okay and even if I try, some of it still shows on my face.  I can always confide in the people I consider close to me about whatever is going on and I disconnect from everyone and everything else because when I feel like this I am not able to maintain my tolerance for anything I deem as just noise.

I am also not one of those people  who can superficially write on my blog like everything is okay.  My blog has always been a place of saying what’s real in my life.  I don’t care who is reading because my number one rule is I am doing this for me, not to create a picture of myself to be liked by people who may never meet me face to face.The way I come across online is really how I am offline. I have yet to meet a person who has felt there is online me and offline me, so I have never really related to the concept of the internet persona syndrome some folks seem to indulge in.

So here I am ready to say how I have been feeling and what’s on my mind.

The last two weeks of my life have been filled with a lot of conflicting emotions and in the past few days, a lot tears, anxiety and sadness from an unexpected place.

A few weeks ago my mom told me that she and my dad are going back to Honduras.  This has always been a possibility but now it has become this reality that I am so unprepared to deal with.  The situation is this… my dad has been retired since his factory closed in 1998.  My mom lost her job a few months ago and as a woman of a certain age, no one is going to hire her (even though she can out work girls half her age without a problem and doesn’t look her age).  They have been struggling financially and while I have been helping here and there when needed, it’s not enough.  They have decided that my mom will retire next year to give them time to do what they need to do to move.

A lot of thoughts race through my mind and I think today was the first day I made it through the work day without crying when thinking about it.  Sure we aren’t Cosby show kind of close, but my mom especially, is my support system on a whole other level.  Our relationship has grown and changed so much in the last couple of years.  I am thankful that we were able to mend our tensions to the point where I feel like this. Last night I cried so hard thinking about how this is the last Christmas my son will definitely have his grandparents here, that I woke up with a swollen right eye.  Before this I was getting really bad headaches based on the stress of my own financial situation/job hate/not being in school this semester but now I have the craziest stomach aches, I can’t eat and when I do, it’s hard to keep my food down thinking of this situation.

I know I can’t go on this way, I have to find a place where I feel okay enough to handle it because no matter how I feel, it’s going to happen. It’s just right now I feel so sad and helpless on some level. I think I would feel better if they had planned this all along instead it being circumstances pushing them there. I also know it’s because my parents being gone means I am really on my own.  I am not close to any other family members so it’s going to be very different.  In New York, there’s only my mother’s daughter who never even calls me just to say hi and one of my father’s sons who I cannot stand as a person — very slim pickings.

When my mom and I talk, I’m extremely supportive and try to assuage her fears.  I know she’s scared because while going back has always been an option, to have to basically do it because it’s a means of survival is a whole other story. She’s lived most of her adult life here so going back to stay is a whole other universe that she may not even like. The only comfort I have is that when they move down there, I can be a source of financial support because of the money exchange rate.  I am also irritated by that asshole half-brother of mine with the fancy house down there.  For many years he would tell my dad that he could retire and live in that house because he only goes back twice a year so the house is empty. Now that the time has come to really step up, I haven’t heard his name mentioned. Yet another reason to add to why I cannot stand him.

This will be a big change for my son too.  He has grown up with his grandparents always being a walk or bus ride away and now things will change for him.  I didn’t grow up with my grandparents because they were in Honduras.The one I knew the best was my maternal grandmother as I spent a few summers of my life under her watchful eye. My ex’s mother does not have a relationship with my son and hasn’t seen him since he was seven months old (very long story for another day) and his paternal grandfather sees him maybe three times a year if that. I am trying to figure out how to prepare him for this change. While I know we can go down there for vacation once a year, it wouldn’t be close to being the same because one week can’t make up for years of day to day love.

I have even thought about moving back home to help them out but I know I can’t co-exist there with them. There isn’t enough space for my son and I there.  I can’t change the quality of life I have given my son because I know we would both be miserable, even if it’s for a greater good. This makes me feel incredibly selfish but I remind myself I am about to be 34 and need to live my life too.

It’s a tough situation and I find myself praying on it a lot.  I’m praying for strength and protection for all of us, as the lives we know are about to take on this big change that we won’t really know how to handle until it becomes how we’re living.